Sunday, December 04, 2005
6:14 PM ;
i dunno why i am feeling super hyper today.. or shld i say... was feeling? i tried my best to smile... to laugh... to b crazy as much as possible... i begin to search myself... m i really myself? perhaps its bcos when u feel ultra different, den u will react not-accordingly.... for me, its the opposite reaction . just that for my case, its a little extreme .... isnt it?i dunno... i went home n i continue to search myself.. i find that it is all a show... perhaps i am used to such 'shows' that i myself dont even noe when is real or when is otherwise? like i said, i am used to all these crap.... the crazy laughter i hear that is coming out of me everitime i am w my close ones... but when i am alone... i m so different... come to think of it, nth wrong... cant possibly laugh crazily to myself when i am alone correct? something is wrong.... yet, nth seems to be wrong... mmm...
i noe i noe i noe... not only i am used to it... ppl ard me too... they have been hearing me, seeing me crack jokes, laugh at the un-'laughable' n do silly stuffs ... if 1 day or for a long period of time i am not 'myself' ppl will find it odd.. ppl wun b used to it... ppl will miss 'the-myself' so i had rather to be that peijun they have always known... n for myself, i willl find it for myself....
if i can be like this, i dun c the reason y he cant.. so now who is the victim? n who is the 1 putting on that super sad face ard... i dunno the reason for that expression... but definitely its affecting so many ppl... if u r wise enuf... u shld notice it... wad a move, the 1 affected is as normal .. or shld i again say trying to be as normal as possible.. n wad r u doing? c'mon man.... fill me with that kind of knowledge man
i try to reason with the things said long ago... n of cos the things said quite recently... i try to find clues that will convince myself that u r still the past u... i tried... another part of me agrees .. yet a stronger part of doesnt... do u understand that its time to get on with ur life? there's no single person that can change wadever that had happened except Jesus Himself? r u really clinging on to His words nw? do u noe that u have to face the consequences nw that so much have happened... do u noe that no matter how bad things r Jesus can make things right.... do u noe .. do u noe... do u noe that u need to ask from Jesus for another chance, not me??
i heard frm some1 again abt some unfaithful relationships going on in another part of this land.... oh yah.. it has happened so many times... in fact i shldnt b shocked... in fact , m i supposed to be used to it since it has happened to myself .. for like 2 times? i tot it was gonna b the last time.. looks like its nort...i told my friend that i m doubting so much now...
i dun need any relationship nw.... gimme a break... i noe its generalising ... that all guys r like this... i sorry friends... i noe some saints out there r just some innocent souls.. but i just found out that the most-perfect him turns out to be not... forgive me... its just how my human mind thinks... esp when it happens to u urself...
i need a v special time nw with my family.. my friends... my sisters n brothers.... n my books.. oh yah.. my teachers.. my passion.... i need a break frm love love stuffs... just gimme a BREAK... so long i m leading a peacceful n quiet life... y muz u do this to me.... its such a torture...
u r tryin hard to crept inside my heart.. u r almost here... but u decided to turn back awhile.. nw.. there's no more space for u to enter
being sorry doesnt need to be shown.. its the feeling where one can sense
i just wan to be serious with my Maker during this period of time.. if i perish right nw, i wun have any regrets.. bcos i realised long ago n i m reminded that He's all that i ever need... n u, need to make this choice too
